Copium
A rejection lands in Gmail and a card is on my phone about thirty seconds later. No part of this is written by hand. These are the ones I thought were worth keeping.
Gmail push
A notification the moment mail arrives. No polling.
Classify
Rejection, interview invite, acknowledgment, or noise.
Extract
Which company, which role.
Research
What that company has actually been doing lately.
Roast
Two sentences about what turned up.
My phone
Card lands about thirty seconds after the email.
Interview invites skip the joke and just buzz my phone. Everything else gets filed quietly.
New rejection
Aug 1
Re: Software Engineer
“we have decided to move forward with other candidates”
On March 12, 2026, we announced plans to develop a new national headquarters in downtown Salt Lake City. Our headquarters is currently a plan.
New rejection
Aug 7
Re: Associate Engineer, Software HPSC
“we have decided to move forward with other candidates who more closely fit our current business needs at this time.”
We acquired Presentation Products, Inc. to enhance our global workplace services capabilities. We have enhanced our global workplace services by acquiring a company that enhances them.
New rejection
Aug 3
Re: Software Engineer, Edge
“we’ve determined there isn’t an ideal fit at this time, so we won’t be moving forward with your candidacy.”
We use machine learning, computer vision, and algorithmic checks to automate identity verification. We have made suspicion a software feature.
New rejection
Aug 4
Re: Software Development Engineer
“Unfortunately, you weren't selected for further consideration.”
We have launched the AMD Instinct Coder, a turnkey enterprise AI coding solution. We have made coding sound like something that arrives assembled.
New rejection
Aug 11
Re: AI and SW Development Engineering Intern
“After careful evaluation, we will not be considering you for this position.”
We announced that we will cut thirteen thousand jobs globally in response to trade tariffs, slowing demand, and competition pressures. We are responding to pressure by making ourselves less available at scale.
New rejection
Aug 3
Re: Software Engineer
“our team did not select you for further consideration”
We acquired Brightfield AI to accelerate commercial and industrial energy storage deployment. We have begun accelerating by acquiring the thing that requires acceleration.
New rejection
Aug 5
Re: Graduate Developer
“after careful review we have decided not to move forward with your application”
We have been awarded two Canadian defence contracts worth up to three hundred and fifteen million dollars. We are now in a position to defend the phrase “up to.”
New rejection
Aug 7
Re: Software Engineer
“we've made the decision to not move forward with the interview process at this time”
We acquired a Canadian crypto firm for C$250 million. It remains our most expensive welcome to date.
New rejection
Aug 5
Re: Software Engineer (New Grad)
“we’ve decided to move forward with other candidates whose experience more closely aligns with our current needs.”
We have raised seventy-one million dollars across four funding rounds. We are now adequately funded to disappoint at scale.
New rejection
Jul 30
Re: Software Engineer, AI Platform - New Grad
“we have made the decision to move forward with other candidates whose experience more closely aligns with our team's needs.”
We have unveiled a global robotaxi service and announced the start of autonomous on-road testing in the Bay Area. We are taking global ambitions one area at a time.
New rejection
Aug 6
Re: Software Engineer
“"we have decided to proceed with other applicants whose skills better aligned with our hiring needs at this time."”
We have sold out our entire 2026 hard disk drive production capacity. We have also arranged for the situation to continue through 2028.
New rejection
Aug 6
Re: Financial Automation & QA Analyst
“we regret to inform you that you have not been selected for the position”
We were formerly known as PSCU and Co-op Solutions. We have made one company sound like several.
New rejection
Aug 6
Re: Unknown Role
“we are unable to move forward with your application for FastTrack at this time.”
Our sixty staff will join Access Group's one-thousand-strong APAC team. We will arrive as a group of sixty.
New rejection
Aug 10
Re: Full-Stack Software Engineer I
“this position has been filled and is no longer available”
We are laying off approximately 400 employees after reducing our workforce by approximately 400 people over the last three years. We have maintained a remarkably consistent approach to headcount.
New rejection
Jul 31
Re: Software Engineering Intern
“the hiring team has reviewed your resume and unfortunately your application wasn't selected for the next round of interviews”
We have enhanced our platform with AI-assisted spec-driven development and Model Context Protocol integration for agents. We are now asking the specification to do more of the engineering.
New rejection
Aug 6
Re: Sr Specialist Member of Technical Staff – Device Analytics and AI
“we have chosen to move forward with another candidate”
We are moving our global headquarters from Downtown Dallas to Plano, Texas, over the next three years. We expect to arrive in 2029.
New rejection
Aug 6
Re: Entry-Level Software Engineer
“you do not qualify for employment with Pariveda at this time”
We acquired Thought Ensemble to broaden our capabilities in business strategy and organizational transformation. We remain committed to broadening them whenever they appear insufficiently broad.
New rejection
Aug 5
Re: Software Engineer I- User Systems
“we have decided not to proceed with your candidacy for the Software Engineer I- User Systems position at this time”
We launched a new suite of security solutions for small and medium businesses, including AI-powered outdoor cameras and 24/7 professional monitoring. We have arranged for the machines to watch continuously.
New rejection
Aug 3
Re: Unknown Role
“the role has now been filled”
Our platform is used by over one million developers to build and run custom AI systems at scale. We have made custom AI systems a group project.